i don't know what's wrong with me. in japan i would treasure the nights j was gone, some me time. maybe a girl's night. now i just feel cagey and irritable. i can't put a finger on it. do i need more friends? more hobbies? i have plenty to do, hell, i could be studying for my permit right now; but just not things i want to do on a saturday night.



he was mildly derisive the other day when i tried to explain this to him ("it's called talking about your feelings. i don't need you to tell me that i'm wrong in feeling the way i feel, i just need you to listen and stop trying to change my gut reaction" she screamed silently)... claiming that he stopped differentiating friday and saturday nights from other nights of the week a long time ago (like when he "grew up" or something?) ... yeah, well, sorry for you.

i like the weekend. i like the freedom. i don't like not having anyone to share the fun with. i don't like how i can't invite liz, flogently, gspot, d, beccachan, hardk, kim or any of my fave girlies over for a few hours to pass the time and shoot the shit on an otherwise lonely saturday night while j works.

i hate the fact that my freakin phone is out of credit and i can't call anyone. i hate the fact that it's so much easier to meet dudes than it is gals. i hate the fact that most of the dudes end up wanting to just F you anyways. i hate the fact that i straightened my hair & put on a pretty face tonight in the small hope that i might have some social interaction. i hate the fact that i feel too guilty to go out because i'm expected to be content at home now that j bought me ("lent" me money to buy) sofas. i hate the fact that i always feel like he wants me to cook, or do housework, or interior decorating while he's not home. i hate the fact that we're going to have to rent out a room cause i don't make enough money and that i won't be able to walk around naked anymore. i hate the stress of bills and money and the responsibility of being the only one paying the domestic affairs because his money has to go to his courses. i hate the fact that he keeps talking about how we don't know how long we'll be here because his job might take us somewhere else but i really love this house. i hate cardboard boxes and being so nomadic and unsettled. i hate that i can't say any of this out loud and that i can only release my frustrations in writing. and i hate the fact that i wrote down and erased the other half of my hates because i couldn't bring myself to publish them.

my cagey, pent up boredom that led to a trip to "salon em" and a make over ended up in webcam pictures and a play on light... "i might as well," i mused, "no one else is going to see it"...



i'm going for a walk down to the bottle-o, red wine sounds necessary. i know it's late and dark. piss off.

then maybe i'll do crossword number one million and forty-two before passing-out-without-wiping-off-my-eyeliner in the hopes that i feel better and less anxious tomorrow.