you never fucking read any of my posts back then, did you?.

are you reading now?

maybe if you'd taken the time to read what i was saying we wouldn't have gotten so broken. maybe i wouldn't have cheated on you. are you reading now? maybe you would have understood me better. even if you had, would it have mattered? if i wasn't how you wanted me to be, you would've just tried to change me, wouldn't you. i was so lost. i felt so alone. i couldn't talk to you. i was never as alone as when i was married to you. i am not guiltless but i hate you for what you made me feel, how depressed i was. how SILENT i was. i wanted to scream at you but i knew you were busy with other things. too busy to change. i was never the important one. "but i did it all for you" DID I EVER ASK YOU TO? NOOOOOO! your choices, not mine. did i ever say, "hey, matt, go get a masters degree so we can live in australia. i want it. i want you to stress yourself completely on this goal and leave me by the wayside while i work deadend jobs to support us." I NEVER ASKED FOR IT SO DON'T TELL ME IT WAS FOR ME. are you reading now?
the baby was for me. we kept it so we wouldn't break. nothing was going to stop us from breaking, our beautiful boy just postponed it. i was unhappy on teemangum, only months after he was born. i wanted therapy but you wouldn't have it. i wanted us to be strong, i took out books, you never read them. are you reading now? you threw yourself with such enthusiasm and obsession into everything but the task that i wanted you to. i wanted to be the centre of your world. i wanted you to make me glow with happiness but instead you made me feel dull, tired and ignored. when you were in school, i thought there was something wrong with me. i took so many pictures of myself to prove to myself that i was pretty, that there wasn't something wrong with me, i couldn't figure out why you didn't want to fuck. I FUCKING LOVE TO FUCK! i always have. you always knew. how could you stop pleasing me? sex is communication and we sucked at words. then there was nothing. are you reading now?
you couldn't make an effort with me. you were so consumed and so self-absorbed that you didn't care (you must have realised...) that i was drowning inside. i cried myself to sleep most nights for the last 6 months that we were together, did you know? DID YOU KNOW?? ARE YOU FUCKING READING NOW, MATT? ARE YOU?

now i'm trying to regain sense of it all. i see what was wrong but not where it went wrong. or how it got to be SO wrong. i realise that you're hurt but so am i, goddamnit, so. am. i. are you reading now? cause it's way too late.