you never fucking read any of my posts back then, did you?.

are you reading now?

maybe if you'd taken the time to read what i was saying we wouldn't have gotten so broken. maybe i wouldn't have cheated on you. are you reading now? maybe you would have understood me better. even if you had, would it have mattered? if i wasn't how you wanted me to be, you would've just tried to change me, wouldn't you. i was so lost. i felt so alone. i couldn't talk to you. i was never as alone as when i was married to you. i am not guiltless but i hate you for what you made me feel, how depressed i was. how SILENT i was. i wanted to scream at you but i knew you were busy with other things. too busy to change. i was never the important one. "but i did it all for you" DID I EVER ASK YOU TO? NOOOOOO! your choices, not mine. did i ever say, "hey, matt, go get a masters degree so we can live in australia. i want it. i want you to stress yourself completely on this goal and leave me by the wayside while i work deadend jobs to support us." I NEVER ASKED FOR IT SO DON'T TELL ME IT WAS FOR ME. are you reading now?
the baby was for me. we kept it so we wouldn't break. nothing was going to stop us from breaking, our beautiful boy just postponed it. i was unhappy on teemangum, only months after he was born. i wanted therapy but you wouldn't have it. i wanted us to be strong, i took out books, you never read them. are you reading now? you threw yourself with such enthusiasm and obsession into everything but the task that i wanted you to. i wanted to be the centre of your world. i wanted you to make me glow with happiness but instead you made me feel dull, tired and ignored. when you were in school, i thought there was something wrong with me. i took so many pictures of myself to prove to myself that i was pretty, that there wasn't something wrong with me, i couldn't figure out why you didn't want to fuck. I FUCKING LOVE TO FUCK! i always have. you always knew. how could you stop pleasing me? sex is communication and we sucked at words. then there was nothing. are you reading now?
you couldn't make an effort with me. you were so consumed and so self-absorbed that you didn't care (you must have realised...) that i was drowning inside. i cried myself to sleep most nights for the last 6 months that we were together, did you know? DID YOU KNOW?? ARE YOU FUCKING READING NOW, MATT? ARE YOU?

now i'm trying to regain sense of it all. i see what was wrong but not where it went wrong. or how it got to be SO wrong. i realise that you're hurt but so am i, goddamnit, so. am. i. are you reading now? cause it's way too late.

---

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soooooooo.... i guess i'm kinda blogging again. i miss it.

a few of my fave pics from our most recent uploads are below.

is there anyone still checking this even? do i care? *giggle* of course i do!

motherhood is spectacular... and exhausting. i know it's a really boring and cliched thing to say but it's late and i'm struggling to say much. it's a bit of a cop out from anything you don't feel like doing: "oh, we had a rough night with {insert baby's name here}. i'm too tired for {insert activity here} today. sorry!"

oh, there goes my secret.

whatever. deal with it. i'm going to bed! i'll write more coherent and fun things another time, it's good enough that i'm actually posting pictures again!

 

 

 

 

i feel like a whale.

i look like i stole a basketball and am retardedly trying to smuggle it out of the store under my shirt. my feet swell to unseemly proportions and i'm tired all the time.

i have a hair appointment with jean-lou tomorrow and after that, baby can arrive anytime please! the sooner the better!!!

now i'm just procrastinating... i have, like, a million things on my lists of things to do before mum/baby arrive (my mummy gets here in a few short weeks!!!!).

i have all the labour-bag necessities, just need to pack it!

i have all the baby *stuff* ready to go: cot, change table, nappies, carriers, clothes, blankies, you name it!

sadly, i've become reacquainted with the 'days' cast from afternoons spent beached on the sofa with my feet flailing in the air, desperatley trying to deflate myself... they just attempted to kill beau brady yesterday, i'll believe *that* when i see it! (rolls eyes at her poor taste in pastimes)


couple of pics...

these are my sausages on a particularily bad day. never in my life have i been embarrased of my feet/legs but after this, i bought myself a pair of full length maternity pants!



and this is my pregfriend mary & i on a shopping trip a couple of weeks ago. she was 4 weeks ahead of me for the whole pregnancy :) she's since given birth to a healthy baby girl!



gros bisous!

here are some photos from the behbeh shower!

a massive thank you to everyone who came, especially tulsi who was a huge help with organising it, and rachael who provided bollyfull entertainment!

it was an uber fun afternoon and i was completely spent afterwards!

enjoy the bumpful love!



miss t got us into a game that involved dressing your partner up like a baby using only toilet paper! caused a riot of giggles!



meg & kim won the contest!


but this picture sends me into fits of giggles everytime!


iwey's super baby...


and i couldn't see my own diaper!





rachael gave us a bouncy mini lesson in my living room! good times rolled and the giant pizza that we all indulged in was kindof burnt off! ... did anyone get a photo of the pizza? i didn't ...



cutie pie baby elouise enjoyed the show!


whoever took this one = NOT FAIR!!


we even had a dance off in pairs! susie and tulsi...


erin & i...



meg & zoe...


everyone enjoyed the entertainment!







and to finish off, rachael, zoe and i did a little performance! (quirky, as it was dragged from deep within the bowels of our memories!!)



all in all, a fun, fun time!

thank you! merci! gracias! domo arrigatou! com sa ham nida!

-xoxoxoxo-

so, despite having been done work for a week and a half, i've been busybusybusy!

lunch dates (gotta catch up with the crew!), visa applications (eek! stress), health fund issues (more stress!) and being called into work for one day as they were short staffed left little time for all the naps i had planned!

also, i have to work on a new blog for my baby shower! i'm posting all the things i need online and people can contact tulsi or diane if they want to pick an item off the list or order something online or organise this or that from overseas! the blog address is http://behbehsmith.blogspot.com and there aren't any posts yet as i have *just* set it up!

i'm feeling sleepy and may skip bollywood tonight :( i really wanted to do the dance with props!!! we'll see if j gets home in time to give me a lift, otherwise, i won't bother with the bus. unreal how tired i get! my body feels beat like after a sunday long run by the end of some days! the only other pregnancy complaint is the pain in my hands and wrists from pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome. it's not so bad later on in the day but when i wake up it canes!

will need to find an excuse to take pictures so i can post them up!

am having a gay old time with dc and la here! it's been lovely catching up and the house is more often than not filled with silliness and giggles :) baby jiggles when i giggle and it makes everyone happy!

big hugs!

n. -xoxo-

preg4 bumps, originally uploaded by nymph.

there's a baby in there!

it just keeps growing and growing! and my books say it's about to grow a lot and i can't believe how much it just *grows*! just how much bigger can it get?! (g- don't answer that! i *saw* you with mj!)

i called in "sick" today so i can get my house ready for houseguests and i'm just pissing about on the computer as usual! frickin useless!

bisous!
-xo-

ps i love the scanner on our new printer! so easy to use!

pps i know i say this all the time but.... should be posting more as i've given notice at work and will finish (ack!) at the end of february and will have more time (for sleeping, eating, swimming, blogging, baby-ing... etc!).

-xoxo-

prepare for pictures! ...this takes way too long but i'm determined (and doing mountains of laundry in between typing... first clear day in a while!)

we had a lovely holiday with sue, j's mom. she was here from early december until last week. we went on a few trips and the 3 of us enjoyed watching my belly grow!

all is going well healthwise. i like being pregnant so far and am having fun being a fatty pants! seems like the 2nd trimester isn't so riddled with hormones as the first and i'm feeling pretty normal. the only exception is when i don't get to eat on time and that will reduce me to cranky, frustrated tears!

j has just started at his new job, he'll be teaching a class of 13 korean boys, all soccer prodigies, out in australia to get some advanced training and english skills. not what we spent the last 2 years studying for but right up our alley! and a foot in the door at one of the best schools in brisbane.

i'm looking forward to winding down and going on maternity leave as work has been hectic this month with the busy season and people quitting and getting ill all the time. mix in doctor's appointments on what seems like a fortnightly basis and i'm spent!

the kitties are good, bilby is passed out under the desk as i type. minou must be passed out on my VW under the house! it's almost ready to drive, j's been doing a stellar job fixing it.

my mum booked her ticket out here! she arrives in sydney on june 3rd, same day baby's due! we'll see if she arrives before or after baby! ... any bets? what fun :)

and in about 3 weeks time one of my bfs from highschool arrives in brissie for an 18 month master's degree at the uni around the corner from my house! how very, very exciting! i am sure giggles will ensue!

other than all this, i am trying to take it easy on my first day home alone in about 3 months. done a lot of chatting on the ol' skype account (managed to spend almost $4 and it took me about 3 hours!), made ginger-honey-lemonade, doing some laundry and ate a tasty lunch. will walk up to the bank shortly then work on dinner... eggplant curry sounds tasty!

lots of bisous and love and happy new years to everyone!

enjoy the pics!

-xoxo-

you know you love my shades!

o christmas tree!

at the botanical gardens, i was hot and thirsty and kept having to pee!

we went to the museum!

j graduated! yeah! congratulations, i was proud (that i stayed awake through the whole ceremony and of him! :)

bollywood dance recital night

we took a trip down to byron bay and i had my belly henna-ed! instead of flashing my boobies everywhere, i flashed my belly!




mushrooms are ever present

rainforest fun!

happy 3rd anniversary! (see the pretty necklace j got me?)

mmmmmm... pregnancy cake!

sue asked us to pose for a few photos... by the end of it we were in giggly fits and couldn't be taken seriously anymore!

and we are still giggling!

christmas morning!

as per aussie tradition, we went to the beach on christmas day and brought along some good friends, rich n iwey! lovely day!

this is the pregnant profile about a month ago! (yes, i am sticking it out... if you got it, flaunt it baby!)

with j and mom-in-law

while making some christmas phone calls home to family, this fish fell from the sky right next to where iwey and i were lounging! my mum thought it sounded hilarious as i squealed about a dead fish falling from above!

we played a game of beach cricket (très aussie!)



and later at a pretty park j played his ukulele with gusto!

and the four of us played settler's of catan (best game *ever*)

i won despite looking slightly 'challenged' :)

and a kookabarra came to say hi!

bilby's as cute as ever in the garden (minou is ever elusive!)

j's couz sent some gorgeous flowers to congratulate us on graduation and upcoming additions! thanks kel!

up at the beach in noosa last monday!

noosa beach makes good for relaxing!


and good for koala spotting!

j and sue took a walk through lammington national park one day! these are some pics of their adventures :)

they saw pademelons (they're little like wallabies!)

hung out under big ferns,

got hung out on!

the views look stunning (and sue looks cute!)

and on the drive home they saw some 'roos!

last sunday evening we had jay and his gf ryoko over for a bar-b, we played frisbee into the sunset and scrabble... the game du jour :)

and last but not least, this is what i've been working hard to make over the last 4.5 months... a sneak preview of our baby!